Fear & Self Loathing

The only real goal I’ve set so far is working toward making my diet somewhat healthier. Starting with lunches at work and moving into breakfasts I have kept it up for a couple weeks now. Even when i couldn’t have the healthiest lunch ever, I didn’t give up but did my best and kept on truckin’.

Now I’m ready to throw in another goal to work toward and this may be the hardest to reach and definitely to discuss.

I have very low self-esteem.

When I look in the mirror, even if I’m envisioning my reflection as a slimmer guy, I absolutely detest what I see. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been able to really take weight loss seriously. My entire life I’ve wanted different eyes, different hair, different skin and I get irritated with even the sound of my voice as I speak to someone.

If you knew me in person it might be hard to believe. Loud and obnoxious extroverts aren’t exactly who come to mind when you think of self-loathing… yet… here I am.

I sit and attempt to wish myself out of existence nearly every night as I lay in bed.

It starts with my weight and then just to my body in general. Blemishes on the skin. The color of my eyes. The shape of my face. Then my mind wanders to that place where I try to convince myself I’m an adult and I need to be realistic and begin slamming doors in my head.

No one will ever become physically attracted to that, this, ME. I should just stop trying. Especially since when people touch you in an intimate way it has the ability to make your skin crawl and you want to cry out for your mother. Yes, be realistic Matt… stop getting your hopes up through apps and sites and forums and self empowerment. Give in to your fate. The fate of the fat ace.

Usually by now I’m a shadowed lump in a dark room under warm covers and heavy, cold tears are soaking into my pillow case.

Then the rest starts to arrive. No longer is it my brain calling me a fat freak who can’t even grow a good beard but now it’s criticizing every other aspect of my life.

You couldn’t even graduate college. You were a goody-goody in high school who was scared of his own shadow yet you couldn’t even handle the real world so now you’re confined to a desk making next to nothing. And your creativity? Please! Give it up. You have no talents. You know this and yet you still try. And that blog? Dear, God. A high school passion for English class and a creative writing class in college does not a blogger make. Just deactivate all of your accounts. Everything you think means something to you is really just you trying to make yourself feel better because you’re too confined by your own fear to even kill yourself. Just lay there… try to squint those eyes as hard as you can and see if this is just a nightmare someone better than you is having. Maybe tomorrow your poor, pathetic soul will be eradicated by something mundane like you… a mail truck… or maybe by someone who is at least man enough to let go of his steering wheel. 

Some nights I can alleviate this. Some nights it’s just how I fall asleep.

Before you tell me I need professional help… yes, I know.

I’m aware this is not healthy and that I should seek help but for now that is not something I am able to face…. my self-esteem is though.

Through out this year and the last I had a couple moments where I started to feel like I was improving as far as seeing my self-worth went. Good things were happening and I was feeling alright about who I was becoming. I started this selfie game with myself that I now with to turn into a goal.

Janelle Monae posted an Instagram photo once and gave some very good advice of how we typically see ourselves. Ever since that day I’ve tried to post more photos of myself to social media. I felt like I was being that person that always took photos of someone else or just shared photos that they found amusing or relative. But…where was I?

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Here I am.

With a new goal. I want to post at least three new photos of myself on social media and at least two of the three cannot be in black in white (it’s my go to filter).

This may seem silly to you but if you relate to this post at all… I suggest you try it. I needed and still need to get use to this face. It’s who I am. The way my brain twists and turns on me isn’t going to change. I just have to be strong and appreciate this body that I inhabit.

These photos will be posted probably on my person Instagram (@coonfox) but also possibly on Snapchat (@pizzaseawitch).

Hating myself has become very tiring over the years but I’m even more tired of hiding the fact that I’m struggling inside.

Thanks for reading. Cheers!

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